Surviving Grief ... and Learning to Live Again by Catherine M. Sanders

Author:Catherine M. Sanders [Sanders, Catherine M.]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9780471534716
Publisher: Wiley
Published: 1992-05-13T00:00:00+00:00

For Susie, a new sense of competency emerged from an inner strength that she hadn't tapped before George's death. This loss was, by far, the worst thing that had ever happened to her. But, looking back on the past two years, she was proud that she had been able to show such stability and courage. Susie never dreamed she would be able to cope with anything so tragic and shattering as George's death or raising two active boys alone. She had done both.

Accepting Responsibility for Ourselves

Existentialists tell us that we are responsible for our own lives and destiny. They say we can neither escape loneliness nor be totally free. From their point of view, we are ultimately all alone anyhow and, unless we have learned a certain amount of independence before a significant loss, we'll be overwhelmed by fear and uncertainty when we find ourselves alone. Our worst fears of abandonment are suddenly renewed when we discover that we alone must give meaning to our lives.

Many of us feel confident that we can take care of ourselves. We are physically self-reliant, provide ourselves with clothing and shelter, keep our bodies fit, and handle our social needs. The area that causes us the most trouble when we must endure bereavement is our lack of emotional independence. (Men have a particularly hard job identifying emotional dependence.) We want someone else to meet our emotional needs rather than supplying them for ourselves. Our expectation seems perfectly natural. We identified first with our parents, later with our spouses, and then with our children. Our good feelings (or bad) depended on their feelings, how they reacted to us. We have given ourselves away to the important people around us. We continue to try to please them so that we can feel good and so that they won't leave us. If we make them unhappy, we risk isolation and abandonment. Learning to take care of personal emotional needs can become one of the most liberating experiences of a lifetime.

We must eventually learn to focus on positive aspects of our newfound freedom. In the beginning of grief, this need is hard to see. Like everything else in the process of bereavement, it takes a long time to come into focus. We usually have to confront our loneliness, meaninglessness, emptiness, guilt, and isolation to realize that we won't be overcome by them. After the confrontation, we become stronger and freer.

It isn't always easy for us to accept responsibility for our lives, especially if we have previously relied on others too heavily. However, the many lonely times we experience during grief slowly teach us: if we are to survive, we will need to take care of ourselves. There may be no one else to do it now.

Download

Copyright Disclaimer:
This site does not store any files on its server. We only index and link to content provided by other sites. Please contact the content providers to delete copyright contents if any and email us, we'll remove relevant links or contents immediately.